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As it is…

February 27, 2011

This reflection on life presents only a sliver of where live is right now (I know, I know its been over 2 months since I wrote…) So I figure I should start on the sweeter note…

I’ve had a few baking creations:

Snickerdoodle Cupcakes
Tiramisu Cupcakes

Grateful for the place the Lord has me, and am definitely enjoying feeding any and all the amazing people He’s placed in my life!

—-

I told myself I would write this weekend. Period. Here I am two-thirds through the last weekend of February, and I’ve done anything and everything but write. In fact, today I’ve made a list of to do’s, talked to my mom, gotten ready for a run, didn’t run so I would write, I cleaned, then ignored the remainder of my to do list—telling myself I would write instead—then I curled my hair. And burned myself. I think I was 13 the last time I burned myself with a curling iron. How did such a thing happen? Oh…I was thinking of the many reasons why I haven’t and couldn’t and shouldn’t write. I’ve said it before, but writing is my most authentic form of communication and anyone who knows me knows that I am a horrible liar. Thus if I write, I am authentic to life as I’m living it. Therefore, when I am walking through life, trudging onward, I feel as if writing becomes an impossibility. (In fact, I think this blog might take me all day; already I’ve paused at least 10 times to reevaluate). For I don’t think there is any way to write without finding or revealing the depths of my soul.

In these times, all I want to do is write. While in the same moment, I cannot bear to write. The written word often, if not always, brings clarity: moving my thoughts and feelings to facts and actions (or a call to action). It is most liberating and terrifying; leading to a place of peace, but sometimes the possible conclusions seem far weightier than I’d like to endure.

With that lens, I will attempt to look at life as it is: nothing more, nothing less.

There are many times where we find ourselves on the fringe: waiting. Sometimes it is merely waiting to make a decision, but waiting for more information before the pieces come together. Other times its just sheer lack of clarity or an unsettledness with seemingly no rhyme or reason. Thus we wait for clarity, for wisdom to reckon with reality. I hate these moments, though I am coming to peace with the fact that life is made up of many said experiences. I am a doer by nature, and when I feel as if I’m on the fringe I just want to get there. Wherever there may be. I want the inevitable: whether good, bad, joyful or painful. I don’t like the fringe.

But in a commitment to integrity, a commitment to live in reality, I must live life even on the fringe. I guess there are two main things that strike me as I contemplate this place of unsettledness, this place of waiting.

1. The response to circumstances. My natural options seem to be: fight or flight. While I often choose the former, even to my detriment, I do not believe either to be a proper response to the fringe. Rather than fighting or fleeing—I believe the proper response is in being.

I’ve created more problems when I’ve become active with in a waiting period. Thus, I think the Lord continues to bring me to a point in which I am able to be. Resting in His sovereignty and faithfulness, in recognition that the Lord is in control (period.), whether I see it, feel it, or think it. Reality is that He is sovereign and as much as I do or don’t do, He is still sovereign. So in times of eh (yes, I’ve just added “eh” to my “feelings” vocabulary: aka times in which there are just no words to describe the fringe), I can trust that the Lord who is who is able, who is faithful, and so, so good will continue to be sovereign. Thus, in that assurance, I show up. I keep going. And I allow myself to be; to be where I am, who I am, and at peace within the fringe. I continue hoping and looking forward to points of clarity and action, but all the while trusting and living in the midst. With that, my heart is encouraged to stop fighting and fleeing, and start showing up and being.  Clarity comes; in time.

2. The bigger picture: life is the fringe. In these points of life where we are waiting, I believe that our character is being shaped (ok, kind of a duh comment).  But more specifically when we look at the larger picture, this whole life is a place of interim, as we wait and long for heaven. One day we will have a reconciled, face to face relationship with God. Thus, the interim (life now, before eternity in final peace with Christ) is full of unsettledness and waiting. I long for peace, for clarity—and recognize it will come. There will be stability, peace, and finality.  Such assurance restores hope, leading to overwhelming gratitude and praise.

All that to say, He gives us the grace to live life as it is—when you just don’t know, or you can’t know. When the pieces don’t fit together quite yet, the timing hasn’t quite come, and I’m left waiting–that is the point where I breathe. I recognize that this, this whole thing, its my story—the one He’s writing—and I just show up. I’ll let the pieces stay where they are and live life today as it is…

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

born of his Spirit, washed in his blood.

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,

visions of rapture now burst on my sight;

angels descending bring from above

echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

Perfect submission, all is at rest;

I in my Savior am happy and blest,

watching and waiting, looking above,

filled with his goodness, lost in his love.

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

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From → Baking, Reflecting

4 Comments
  1. Cathy Denney permalink

    Amen sister! I love your reflections..I am/have been in a long season of waiting and hoping. You sum it up well. Yes, that is what the Lord is showing me…that we must learn to be dependant enough on Him to have peace within the turmoil. And, His grace is sufficient! I love you and will continue to pray for peace where you are and clarity for the days ahead!

    Cath

  2. Karissa Griggs permalink

    Emily,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts/heart. I need to hear something like this today as I realized graduation is 2 months away and I don’t think I can work the same summer job anymore. Thank you.

    • Oh, Karissa, you are so sweet. Thank you for the note. My heart just goes out to you in times like this. But I am so hopeful because of what I’ve seen of God’s grace. Many, many blessings on you friend. :)

      P.S. Come visit if you need to escape…!

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